100% Amirul

It has only been afew good weeks since I last had a good conversation with my best friend, Adam.

Different choices made, different paths taken.
He’s already moving on, entering the new stage of life.
Working in a retail outlet in Bangsar.
No longer a post-SPM bummer.
Already meeting all these new people, establishing new contacts,
acquiring new skills and and enhancing the previous ones as well.

Somehow, a way to measure our self-worth and value is simply by the number of stories and new stories that we can tell and share with each other and to the world.

And most definitely, he has more to tell now.

Whereas I, on the other hand, am still standing on the same spot.
I can feel the margin, the gap, the difference, where everybody else is already one step forward, and I’m not moving at all.

"What happened? You’re still in your comfort zone." , he asked.
I realized this. I know this all too well.
I chose to stay put. I dont know why,
but something inside of me is giving out an order,
"Hold the line, stay in position".

It is as though there is something important that I would miss,
If I actually moved on in life by entering the next stage, supposedly.
(by that, I meant entering college or working)
As though there is ‘unfinished business’ to take care of.

For weeks I have been pondering, meditating, thinking.
What? What is it that needs to be done?
What is it that is bound to come?
As I am still staying in this ‘comfort zone’ of mine.
As I am still hiding, cowering in my own blissful state of ignorance.

Then, the answer came to me yesterday.
With a such a simple and plain tone, Adam just said,
"Go face your fears".

Simple words, yet it answers everything.

*****
Recently I’ve been hooked on the show, Heroes.
Have been watching it with my mum over the past few months now.
The marathons and everything, I cant even believe we even went through the whole Season 1 marathon from 12pm till 5:30am straight!

My favourite parts of the show, are always the beginning and the end of each episode.
Where Dr. Mohinder Suresh gives away his voiceover narratives with that peculiar accompanying music that somehow makes your mind think.

"We are, if anything, creatures of habit… drawn to the safety and comfort of the familiar.
But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe?
When the fear that we have been desperately trying to avoid finds us?
We are all, at our cores, the sum of our fears.
To embrace destiny, we must, inevitably, face those fears and conquer them.
Whether they come from the familiar, or the unknown."

-Dr. Mohinder Suresh

*****

Though we are not literally shaking by the thought of it,
It is what has been preventing us to advance forwards.
And throughout the time, we keep on denying its very existence.

Thats when we really need to ask ourselves what is it that scares us, and get a good grasp of reality.

*****

For the past year or two, I’ve been fighting with people who have what I call "clashing principles".
Where these people do not know what they actually want, or what they actually believe in.
Where their thoughts and speech contradicts their actions.
In terms of logical & mathematical reasoning, it is when
Premise 1 contradicts Premise 2, and thus No Conclusion is formed.

And every time, they would deny.
Deny of the very inplausibleness of their wants, values and their many, many principles.
In a way, they feared to know that what they believed in was wrong.
They find it incomprehensible to acknowledge that the system that they followed was flawed.
They did not like the idea of the credibility of their way of seeing and doing things was compromised.

I have nothing personal against them.
It is just a feeling of obligation to ‘help’ them,
Setting things straight again, prioritizing whats important.
Making the equation linear.

How?
By forcing us to question ourselves,
What is it that I want ?
What am I now ?
Am I doing the right thing ?

At the end of the day, it is back to basics.
What makes you happy?

The current blissful state of ignorance upon your flaws,
Or
The accomplishment after a hard battle overcoming it ?

It is hard to accept reality.
To acknowledge the weakness in ourselves.
It is only by nature that we fear our weaknesses the most.
And it takes great courage to face it.
To put it out in the open, reveal it, expose it.
And from then on, overcome it.
*****

I have now realized, what was it actually.
The one thing that is holding me back now,
That fear of mine.

It is those few significant people who showed me that I am indestructible, that I can’t be harmed, and yet cut me deeper than any blade would.

*****

But then again,
It turns out that fear is only just another emotion in your mind.
Something that you can control all along.

"Fear is the parent of cruelty."
Synonymous, with the word dismay.
Dismay robs one of courage or the power to act.

We all have our own flaws, weaknesses and situations.
And it is inevitable that we have to get a good grip on ourselves.

A question is more powerful than the answer.
So, ask yourselves, and get a grasp on reality.

What do you fear?

This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 5th, 2008 at 10:24 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.