100% Amirul

As precious human beings, we have our own protection.
The armour that surrounds us.

The one that covers our true intentions, feelings, thoughts, desire, lust, our emotions.
That shell that keeps it all intact and unknown to others, keeping it safe only between the person and God Himself to know.

I have no absolute idea on how to explain it in even more detail. But im very sure that you’d understand, once you’re in that certain situation.

****

One of the most challenging task God has bestowed upon us, is to break this armour of another. That significant other which has that one-of-a-kind ability that impacted us so greatly, that our own shell is destroyed in a blink of an eye, literally.

You are shocked, you are dumbfounded, flabbergasted..
How did this ‘very challenging task bestowed upon us’ was somewhat executed effortlessly from that significant other.. penetrating your armour, and injecting a concoction of unknown spellbinding properties, a poison, a spell upon yourself.

Your speech becomes distorted, your thoughts became a blur, your vision becomes clouded, your system that used to support your life and maintaining it to that optimum level with everything you have, goes haywire. Everything is chaotic, one minute you’re happy, and the other minute you’re depressed. Your peaceful state of mind has been taken over by a force out of your control.

For days, weeks or maybe even months, you gather your courage and strength to regain control of your mind and ignore this ‘intrusion’. But, it is an inevitable fact that it is impossible to deny this new feeling of its presence in your own emotions, or should i just say your mind, body and soul.

This ‘intrusion’ of your own armour, that left scars and marks everywhere in your heart and mind, has somehow blinded you to available options for your instinct to figure out how to escape, how to salvage yourself from the impending doom of your state of mind.

Then, a holy shriek of light shows a path. A path to the only cure for your state of mind, your emotions, your soul. To save it from destruction, to save it from being annihilated by the poison, which is thy own self.

T’was the heart of the very person that thrusted upon your own armour and straight to your heart..

The very person that penetrated your own shell, your own protection, and injected that poison, that sweet poison that feels like ecstacy, leaving you wanting for more, as it eats you alive slowly. . .

An imaginary hourglass forms up right above.
The time is ticking slowly, bits of sand drop steadily at a constant and slow rate. Is it a sign telling you how long you’ve got left, before you ‘die‘ of being consumed totally by that..poison..?

As you make haste, you find out that this particular heart is covered by a thick armour, a thick shell of its own, similar to what every human being has, only to have it uniquely defined on its own.

The true test of faith, strength, courage, trust and endurance comes into play. Though it may sound physical, it is nothing like that, as only your emotional and mental strength, endurance… and all that was mentioned above is tested thoroughly.

Countless efforts made, calculated moves and plans executed, but none succeeded. The process of penetrating through this great wall, this armour of hers, exhausting and demoralizing.

What was used to be a powerful arsenal of yours, was somehow disarmed.. Your dexterity, your sense of the world, your ability of foresight and mind-reading has left you.. It was as if you fought a war with no weapons at all.
And stupid mistakes that you would normally laugh at when others do it, begin to happen with your own hands.
To put it, imagine a great battle scene. You’ve just fired your big guns, and explosions everywhere and mostly concentrated on that ‘wall’. Just the smoke, debris and fog of war is seen for afew moments, and by that time, you’re smiling as if you’ve broken that wall.. but then, the irony of it, when the fog and smoke dissipated.. the ‘wall’ suffered only afew scratches..

Each failure affects the effort that was made afterwards…
At certain times, it was as though you’re fighting a losing battle, after what was like an eternity, still you cant even see even a glimpse of that prize, that heart which you longed to have.

But the miraculous thing about it is, even just the Thought of having that heart to love and care, spurs each and every effort made, every thrust, every attempt, however common the sight is to fail..

A thought came into mind…

Even the invincible Superman is harmed by the smallest piece of Kryptonite.. Then there Must be a way.
Struggling, yes, to find the answer to the problem.
What is it ?
What must be done?
How is it possible to penetrate through this thick padded armour, just like what happened to yourself?

It is only natural….
When in doubt, and in total confusion and having no absolute idea on what to do, what to say, what to think, there is only one logical way to find the solution we as human beings would resort to..

"Trial and error", the conventional method that has been proven since the dawn of civilization to show results, after a thorough and long process.

The question remains, by the time you find the answer,
Will there still be sand pouring down from the hourglass ?

******

I used to be the one who help others in their own ‘battles’ ..
Always thought that it was something simple to do.
And now only i realized, how stupid i was…
Well what do you know, im the one stunned on the spot, and have no absolute idea on how to handle it.

Its a famous saying, "love is like a battlefield"…
I have never known the true meaning of it before this.
The line that meant nothing to me, suddenly became everything to me,
as i am in it myself.

February didnt exactly kick off as smoothly as expected.
Dark clouds and gloomy days have been hovering over our days and everything seems to fall apart recently.
Troubled times. Troubled times indeed.

A good man, unrightfully stripped off of his pride and dignity.
A coward, starts the fire and hides behind another man’s back, pulling off cheapshots whenever the opportunity shows itself.
A batch, separated into different groups, not standing as a whole to stop the injustice.
A man, who thinks that he can handle the whole school with his methods by preventing the conventional methods of handling problems and thinks that he "knows what happens in school, seconds after it happens".
Hypocrites, all around, smiling at you, concealing the dagger which they use to stab you when you turn around.
Spies walk among us, informing him on all ongoing activities from our batch.

When will all of this end ? Put a stop to this now!

And here i am, wrongfully accused by certain people of being "The Spy" itself, backstabbed by the very own batch that i try so hard to support and help in any way i could..
With a bruised left ass-cheek, scratches and small cuts all over my legs, followed with constant muscle pains especially in the thighs, making it a hassle just to sit down, or go up the stairs..
A mild flu that clogs up my nose and throat, and that oh-so-wonderful headache that comes by now and then.
Sleep deprived and malnourished, lacking basic dietary needs.

Quite a few kryptonite bullets i took, i guess..
But i wonder how long will i last?
At the rate im going, i think i’ll be commiting suicide in a matter of months..

But amidst the problems, complications, trials and tribulations the world had to offer me, i found a part of what i’d call inner peace.
Its a new experience for me actually, to float in dizziness, drifting away in time, oblivious to the fact that it is still ticking… Everything seems to just disappear, and yeah, everything turns out great in that lapse of time..
When i just cant take it anymore, i’d drift off to that own, imaginary world of mine..

It seems foolish of me to do or experience such a thing, but, i guess it keeps me from going amok and lose my mind completely in a normal and typical day.
Its kinda funny, how our brain can act as an mp3 or music player, playing any song by memory with the exact same quality, provided that we are not distracted or anything.

Recently, its that bloody song all the time, when im drifting away..

" I cant take..my mind off of you…
I cant take…..my miindd off of you…"

-The Blower’s Daughter by Damien Rice
I dont know why, but that song just repeats itself over and over again in my head.

In the emptiness of this ‘newly created world’, a butterfly floats in the air. Hypnotized by its beauty, how God’s creation can be so delicate, so fragile, and yet at the same time, so beautiful..
How i wish i’d get a hold of the beautiful being..
And there i was.. in a dream world, running at a slow pace, chasing after this butterfly… and hesitated from time to time.
Remembering a principle that i follow,
For if i chase a butterfly, it will fly away…
And i am dumbfounded, how do i make this one land on my palms ?
Just the thought of it, just the picture of me going after this one-of-a-kind butterfly, has already ousted all forms of disappointment, unhappiness and distress out of my mind, body and soul.

And *snap* back to earth.. Ahh, the harsh reality..
Back to the place where everything goes down hard on you and its just a matter of time before the great escape to the after-life, for better or worse…

But what of this imaginary world of mine?
Maybe its a calling? Telling me something. . .
Maybe its a sign from my mind, from my emotions?
An elusive butterfly, i’ll find a way..

"Its a small world afterall…Its a small world afterall.
Its a small world afterall.. Its a small, small world.."

God, i remember that time in Disneyland Paris.. I looked at the que, and there seems to be a lot of people going for this certain ride, so, without even looking at what it is, i joined the line. Not knowing that i would be stuck for 5~10 mins in a boat, with little smiling dolls and figures all around me, sticking up and down up and down, with the same tune and line.. Its a small world afterall…
AHH! If it was for another minute, i swear i would’ve jumped out and trashed each and every puppet there!

*****

That aside, well then.. i have to admit, it IS a small world afterall. It doesnt matter whether you’re some rich ass businessman, a politician, a doctor, a janitor, a teacher, a student, or anybody for that matter, somehow, we are all connected and know each other.

Just afew hours ago, i went with the family to Aunty Munirah’s house.. Well, Aunty Munirah is one of my mum’s best friends, since highschool, pfft.. CBN’ers… Yeah, happy 45th birthday alright. The barbeque was nice actually, as so the previous ones year after year.

The fascinating thing about it is actually, everybody knows them. They know everybody. At the end of the day, its the same music teacher we go to, its the same Education Ministry Officer thing that we go to to get the kids to a certain school, its the same tuition teacher we call home.. Its just a matter of realizing the fact that we all know the same people or not.

An interesting point i found out tonight was, her 18yr old daughter, Liyana, which i seldom (by that, i mean 2 or 3 times a year) meet and, i think this is one of the first times i’ve actually engaged conversation with her. Its funny how our mind conjures up our own impressions and picture of another person’s personality by just looking at them and without knowing them.. Shes a cool girl i guess, with the same kind of mentality, thinking that size doesnt matter and ‘you can fit it all in’ !

Then at some point, she asked me, since im a Fifth Former in vi, who was my add maths teacher. I answered, oh, Cikgu Rohana..and asked her why.
She replied, "Yeah! She taught me add maths as well last time, shes a cool teacher.."
I was like, woah, okay, what a small world!
( which prompted me to write this post )

*******

It was just afew weeks ago, me and a couple of my friends, bumped into a trio of musicians at Central Market. All of them are guitarists actually, one playing supporting base, one is playing the rhythm and the other one is just doing the solo tabs and sings.
After we requested song, they happily played it with much enthusiasm and skills, even for a such a simple song with very easy chords, G, Em, C, D.
We found out that he’s a local artist just promoting his CD by playing there in the walkway at Central Market. Meor was his name.
And the next day, i told Hakym (a friend of mine) that we bumped into this cool guitarist named Meor at Central Market, and he was surprised and gave a short burst of laughter. Puzzled, i asked him whats wrong with the story… He then told me that the Meor i bumped into the other day, was his previous guitar teacher.
And again, *what a small world*!

***

Adding in another story, How come everybody comes from CBN? I have yet to figure that out. Even the Shaklee agent that introduced my mum to the company’s line of product remembered my mum’s face as her senior in school many years ago.

Just afew days ago, my physics teacher gave me a lift home since she stays nearby my place. Being myself, i started to make myself feel at home, or should i say, my car! I started opening the compartments and checking out the stuff inside.

The CDs, photos, perfume, bottle of water, whatever it is, all the junk people store in their cars.
A CD caught my attention, with big writings which was clearly from a CD marker pen, "Norhana 64" .
I slipped the disc inside the CD player..
Gah! 80s music! Eject! Eject!
I asked, why 64? She replied, because i was born on 1964..
Oh.. okay… so what school did you go to that time?
She then, proudly answered, CBN of course, Mana lagi!

After a second or two thinking, hey, my mum was born on 1962, and went to CBN as well, they must’ve known each other or something.
And i asked her, whether she knows my mum, and she was like,
"Oh yeah, i think i know her, my senior right, shes a form 5 when im a form 3 student.."
Pfft.. small world alright.

Which raises my point, you will meet again all the people at some point in your life, let it be the next day, or 30 years later, its the same people actually.. The ones who walk past you, the cendol man outside of school, the pak guard, your senior or junior in school, whoever it is..

Now, i can go on with more and more stories that will make you repeat the line *what a small world*. But im very sure that everybody have their own set of stories and versions of what happens during the day. The people that they constantly meet but taken for granted. Only to find out that they play a part in your life in a certain time, sooner or later.

****

Ahh, the LRT.. Light Railway Transit if im not mistaken.. I take this train almost everyday, going here and there, from school, to school, and yaa di daa. And its a different experience Every time. Im focusing on the Putra Line here, since thats what i use 90% of the time. Everytime i hop on the train, its a different set of faces, people of different colours, backgrounds, clothing, everything. Its kinda cool actually, to see the urban population of Malaysia summed up right infront of your eyes.

The ones listening to iPods and mp3 players, the ones casually reading a nice book, the ones who just stand or sit there oblivious to the surroundings and staring into blank space, the ones who make space or give seats to the ones who need it more, the foreigners and tourists looking at their pocket maps and wondering whether they took the right train or not, the tedious and busy men and women who carry fancy G2000 briefcases and constantly looking at their wristwatches, the rempits who ran out of motorcycle fuel, the Ah Bengs with their purple or pink billabong t-shirts (their idea of showing masculinity?) and 3/4 pants followed by the Ah Lians with their weirdly oversized tops and skimpy pants/shorts to go along with it, the typical Malay teenagers who constantly types sms’es on the phone keypad, and there are also the ones like me, just observing these people in great detail and amazement as they hop in and hop out of the train.

A thought came over me last year. Who is the person sitting right infront of me? He or she could actually be my best friend or even my arch nemesis in the future. The girl beside me could actually be my life-partner 10 years from now, the guy sitting on the left could actually be my boss in the years to come, the one who just got in could actually be the one who saves my life from a freak accident 3 years from now. You’d never know right?!!

At some point in your life, you will meet these people again.
Eventhough chances are, you would forget the person’s face 2 minutes later, but yes, you Will meet them again.
As your colleague, your spouse, your buddy, your mentor or your apprentice, whatever..
Its just whether you realize the fact that you’ve actually met these people before or not.