100% Amirul

It has only been afew good weeks since I last had a good conversation with my best friend, Adam.

Different choices made, different paths taken.
He’s already moving on, entering the new stage of life.
Working in a retail outlet in Bangsar.
No longer a post-SPM bummer.
Already meeting all these new people, establishing new contacts,
acquiring new skills and and enhancing the previous ones as well.

Somehow, a way to measure our self-worth and value is simply by the number of stories and new stories that we can tell and share with each other and to the world.

And most definitely, he has more to tell now.

Whereas I, on the other hand, am still standing on the same spot.
I can feel the margin, the gap, the difference, where everybody else is already one step forward, and I’m not moving at all.

"What happened? You’re still in your comfort zone." , he asked.
I realized this. I know this all too well.
I chose to stay put. I dont know why,
but something inside of me is giving out an order,
"Hold the line, stay in position".

It is as though there is something important that I would miss,
If I actually moved on in life by entering the next stage, supposedly.
(by that, I meant entering college or working)
As though there is ‘unfinished business’ to take care of.

For weeks I have been pondering, meditating, thinking.
What? What is it that needs to be done?
What is it that is bound to come?
As I am still staying in this ‘comfort zone’ of mine.
As I am still hiding, cowering in my own blissful state of ignorance.

Then, the answer came to me yesterday.
With a such a simple and plain tone, Adam just said,
"Go face your fears".

Simple words, yet it answers everything.

*****
Recently I’ve been hooked on the show, Heroes.
Have been watching it with my mum over the past few months now.
The marathons and everything, I cant even believe we even went through the whole Season 1 marathon from 12pm till 5:30am straight!

My favourite parts of the show, are always the beginning and the end of each episode.
Where Dr. Mohinder Suresh gives away his voiceover narratives with that peculiar accompanying music that somehow makes your mind think.

"We are, if anything, creatures of habit… drawn to the safety and comfort of the familiar.
But what happens when the familiar becomes unsafe?
When the fear that we have been desperately trying to avoid finds us?
We are all, at our cores, the sum of our fears.
To embrace destiny, we must, inevitably, face those fears and conquer them.
Whether they come from the familiar, or the unknown."

-Dr. Mohinder Suresh

*****

Though we are not literally shaking by the thought of it,
It is what has been preventing us to advance forwards.
And throughout the time, we keep on denying its very existence.

Thats when we really need to ask ourselves what is it that scares us, and get a good grasp of reality.

*****

For the past year or two, I’ve been fighting with people who have what I call "clashing principles".
Where these people do not know what they actually want, or what they actually believe in.
Where their thoughts and speech contradicts their actions.
In terms of logical & mathematical reasoning, it is when
Premise 1 contradicts Premise 2, and thus No Conclusion is formed.

And every time, they would deny.
Deny of the very inplausibleness of their wants, values and their many, many principles.
In a way, they feared to know that what they believed in was wrong.
They find it incomprehensible to acknowledge that the system that they followed was flawed.
They did not like the idea of the credibility of their way of seeing and doing things was compromised.

I have nothing personal against them.
It is just a feeling of obligation to ‘help’ them,
Setting things straight again, prioritizing whats important.
Making the equation linear.

How?
By forcing us to question ourselves,
What is it that I want ?
What am I now ?
Am I doing the right thing ?

At the end of the day, it is back to basics.
What makes you happy?

The current blissful state of ignorance upon your flaws,
Or
The accomplishment after a hard battle overcoming it ?

It is hard to accept reality.
To acknowledge the weakness in ourselves.
It is only by nature that we fear our weaknesses the most.
And it takes great courage to face it.
To put it out in the open, reveal it, expose it.
And from then on, overcome it.
*****

I have now realized, what was it actually.
The one thing that is holding me back now,
That fear of mine.

It is those few significant people who showed me that I am indestructible, that I can’t be harmed, and yet cut me deeper than any blade would.

*****

But then again,
It turns out that fear is only just another emotion in your mind.
Something that you can control all along.

"Fear is the parent of cruelty."
Synonymous, with the word dismay.
Dismay robs one of courage or the power to act.

We all have our own flaws, weaknesses and situations.
And it is inevitable that we have to get a good grip on ourselves.

A question is more powerful than the answer.
So, ask yourselves, and get a grasp on reality.

What do you fear?

"Those who cannot remember about the past are condemned to repeat it"
-George Santayana

I think most of us are introduced to this saying way back in Form 1, in the text book. The first few pages i think.
It could be Just another quote from some random guy,
Yet another string of words joined together that sounds nice,
Just another random saying…
To me, its a principle that i hold on tightly to.

But now, i begin to see, that i am such an idiot.
I am Still repeating my mistakes.
I am Still going down the same path.
To think that i’ve been teaching people values and principles,
and me myself failing to uphold the very thing that i hold on to.

2007, by far, has been a shitty year.
I am surprised that i am still up and about, after all this time.
Optimism.. hah.. how long could it last me?

~~~~
I cannot blame God, or the world, or ‘external forces’
for whatever that has happened up until now.
The signs were so clear. The clues were so obvious.
History repeats itself.
Why did I fail to see it earlier?
What did I do wrong?
There Must have been a flaw somewhere.

Right now, only 2 people can see this happening.
The repeat of history. The yet-another creation of a ‘personality’.
An exact copy. Its just a matter of time.

What did i do to deserve this?
I dont know whether to take this ‘gift’..
This ability of foresight..
As a curse or a blessing?

Is it a mere coincidence, when sayings, ideas, even song lyrics,
just pops out in front of you in many different forms,
right after you realize the impending problems and situations,
that is about to happen soon ?

If you can fix it, if you have the ability to make things right.
It is an obligation to do so.
You dont need someone to appoint you to be the arbiter,
to actually defend or attack.
You dont need to have official legal advice.
You dont need to think too much and hesitate.

Ethics, moral values, intuition.
When you just Know it is wrong, then it is just wrong.
No arguments, no doubts.

This may be seen as a form of dictatorship,
where one can decide whether
a certain issue or aspect is just, right or wrong.

But when someone jumped off a bridge because you didnt stop him,
are you going to let the next person jump off too?

I was enlightened with this saying,
while I was watching this movie a few hours ago, "Tears of the Sun" .

"The only thing necessary for evil to triumph,
is for good men to do nothing"
-Edmund Burke
~~~~~~~~~~~

On a different matter,

I realize that I have been contradicting
what i keep on saying to many others.
I remember starting toasts at birthday parties, dinners and whatever
with the same bloody sentence.

"Girls come and go, but friends, no, family, stays forever.
And you all are brothers to me. Cheers."

But my actions, contradicts everything.
Last year, 2006, was a great year, i admit.
There was not a single moment that i wasn’t proud of.
Though i keep on saying i lived every single second with no regrets,
my conscience keeps on stinging me.
Yeah, i did regret one thing since then.

For the past few years,
In pursuit of so-called ‘happiness’.
Girls have always been prioritized.
Doesnt matter when, where, why or how.

"I’d always choose my friends over girls.."

Pfft.. yeah right.
Now when i look back at myself over the years.
How foolish i was. How stupid i sounded.
How much of a liar i have been.

The neglect. The ignorance.
I owe them all the biggest apology.

The ones that actually last forever,
the ones that actually make you happy,
the ones that actually stick by you through thick and thin,
Till the very end.

How could have I been so blind and stupid?
At least I have been given the light to realize my own mistake.
I have been given the chance to redeem myself.

Now, with matters at hand, the ongoing process,
And with the Same situations repeating itself, literally..
Only with different characters,

It is as though I have been given a second shot at things.
When I am now walking through an all too-familliar path.

The joys and pains, relived.
The moments, refreshed.
The mixed emotions, expressed.
Relationships & friendships, broken and created.
Lives, shattered and reformed.
Potentials, dimmed and outshined.
Characters, killed and moulded.
Hope, destroyed and rekindled.
Lies, exposed.
Truth, finally prevails.

It is the ripple effect.
One small change, one small presence,
Makes a difference in everything.

I could actually make a choice that would once and for all,
ensure that the outcome,
Will Not be another repeat of history.

I have to admit.
Its finally over!

Hmm.. I’ll post on the SPM thing some other time..

To celebrate later that night, i actually went to Dolah’s place, and watched tv there. Lame, so sue me.
Then, we proceded with a few rounds of pool.
I have to say, though his skills are miles away better, im catching up!!

Not bad lah, from kalah teruk to kalah nasib.
Quite a big difference

Before you know it, is already 2am or so..
Enough with this pool thing lah..!

We thought of racing and drifting, or should i say, joyriding,
on the streets of Setiawangsa again,
But, nahh… malas lah.
We’ve done that afew times during the SPM period already.

Its like, so cool, at 3am, there are no cars in sight.
So, the road is ours.
My Gen2 and his Jazz, okay lah, it was quite chun la.
I have to say, my driving skills are, not bad lah, quite chun la,
considering i dont even have my license yet!

But not tonight lah.
So, after half an hour of cruising around,
pusing-pusing aimlessly here and there
around Wangsa Maju & Setiawangsa,
(with the occasional 140km/h drags),
we decided to call it a day lah..

In front of his house, yeah.. It was a nice spot actually.
Since its way up there on Bukit Setiawangsa..
Away from the busy streets and cars and whatever.
So, its like, nice, just sitting on top of the car,
under the stars and skies of Setiawangsa
To, just finish it all off.

~~~~

I have to admit, i grew fond of his family.
The mum, the sisters, the aunty.
I mean, i dont get to spend time with my family as much
as with them.
To just, sit down and having a nice hot cup of tea.
When the sister or mum of his would just ask,
"so, whats up?" , "apa citer?" or whatever it is without the
awkwardness in between conversations.

According to Dolah’s mum, my character, preference and actions
resembled Dolah’s late father, who passed away earlier this year due to cancer.
There was this one time I had a chat with her,
and she kept on telling me that
my presence makes a big difference in the whole family,
its like, i was filling up the empty gap.
It was like, she told me that
I was showing the outside world to her son again.

I dont know really. Once she told me this, i was like,
Is this my purpose? My calling?
To guide people in finding themselves..?
To show them the path to their hopes and aspirations..?

~~~~~~~

Anyways, on top of the car, we talked about whats going to happen,
Since everything is already over.
The war was over, we got our Merdeka already..!
Now what?

He brought up the topic of Girls.
Yeah, its a big issue to talk about alright.

And the main question is simple,
"What did I do wrong? Why cant I…?"

You just cant blame him.
He’s got everything. But no one to share it with.
Even I, myself am asking the same question.

Maybe its just the desperation talking.
But it is what we feel, maybe what a lot more guys feel as well.
The ones who actually paid attention to these small details,
The ones who built up enough character and well being.

"Dont judge a book by its cover"

But we’ve even improved our ‘covers’.
What more is there to be done?!
Its weird, somehow we feel like theres a
Big checklist of criterias and specifications needed to be
"Sirim Approved" or something…

At the end of the day, we only seek
companionship, appreciation and attention.
Yes, damnit, the craving for attention is so large.
It is so frustrating actually,to be the only party or side,
who gives a damn about everything.

~~~~~~~~~
He asked me, whether i got that ‘attention’ or not,
for the whole of 2007.

According to him, its
That attention where, like, where guys would go
"psst.. 3 o clock. what do you think? . . . ."
And girls would go, i dont know,
"hey, what do you think of ……. over there? . .  "

I replied, ‘maybe I have’.
It may sound weird or something, but i actually prayed to God,
hoping that miracles would happen, maybe i could at least,
feel what its like to be ‘looked at’ or something, at least once.

I told him lah…

It was a certain Sunday, i attended this..
Seminar of some sort. Yeah, SPM.
You’d do anything to eliminate your worries.
Anyways, i dont know, call it syok sendiri, or perasan, or whatever.
But i thought that this one girl was actually looking at me.
(Or at least, towards my direction, that is)

I mean, like, woah, with the other good-looking friends of mine
on each side..
Who am i with the oily and acne-ridden face,
scruffed up, messy and curly hair, and a slightly oversized FC Tshirt?

For once, i felt like a million dollars.
Though it was purely based on my assumptions and ‘perasan-ness’..
But it felt amazing.
The past two months of endless shit and disasters, somewhat,
disappeared from my memory.
I am not such a hopeless case after all.

After much thinking, i had to step out of my comfort zone.
I did what i have never attempted before actually..
Approaching a stranger, to just say that the person is beautiful.
With her friend(s) staring at me while i struggle to form sentences..
I remember that ‘knee-weakening’ and balls-shaking feeling.

And somewhat, i forgot the part where i was supposed to say
"i’d love to get to know you more".

That time, it was just pure balls, and nothing else.
Gosh i remember every second of it.
Its as though time stops, when you are at your weakest moment.
When i left, i cant help but to overhear her friend saying something like
"see, i told you!…"  or something like that.
I felt accomplished. Grateful. Happy. Appreciated.

My friends actually congratulated me for, yeah, my ‘approach’.
To take the plunge and hope for the best.
But when Desh asked me,
"so, how are you going to contact her later?"
I felt like the biggest idiot.
I was so furious at myself, i punched the grainy, stone wall, so hard,
till my knuckles bleed.
By then, it was too late already.

~~~~~~~~

After telling him my short story,
He was like,
"dramatic lah your story.. at least you felt it once.
Doesnt matter whether it was only your assumptions or whatever"
Hahaha.. fancy that..
What i’d give, to feel it again.

Okay lah, whatever.. its freaking 4 in the morning.
Im tired. Until next time then.

Recently, my posts are mainly about SPM and studies..
Argh, Its almost over!

They say that the first 2 weeks after SPM ends
is the sweetest 2 weeks of your teenage life.

Oh damn, i feel like burning all of my books,
Hasta la vista, baby!
No more memorizing this and that.
No more repeating the same exercises..
No more!

The funny thing about it is, right after the exam finishes,
say, History.. Suddenly that night,
ALL of my knowledge on history,
gushes out.. Remembered every single thing.
OH…exam dah habis baru nak ingat..

~~

Okay whatever.. Freedom is a few days away.
Im already drafting my ‘to-do’ list.
From continuing my drums class again,
Trying out a dance class or two? (pfft..)
Keeping back in shape and all round fitness.
Do yoga.. ?!
Maybe play rugby again.
Rock climbing.
Baseball (at least once lah..)
Backpacking around M’sia.
Island hopping.
Make another TV appearance.. (i’ve done it before, and i’ll do it again!)

Plenty more, i guess!
All of the things that i couldnt do last time due to a Lot of circumstances.

~~~~
An off topic rant.

Has anyone feel like they’re being tested by God?
Suddenly lah, at one point, you just know, all the things
happening right on that day or a period amount of time,
was a series of tests from God.

Its funny, when you’re looking for something,
and it will never be there.
And when you dont want it anymore, suddenly
its everywhere!!

Earlier this tuesday, i had my biggest paper.
Additional Mathematics.

To me, this is the actual SPM paper. My actual test.
It was a chance for redemption.
All my life i’ve been failing and failing, and somehow at the end point,
a miracle happened and now I can teach people this very subject.

Though it pains me now, knowing that the paper was leaked,
weeks before the actual exam..
But i know i did it honestly.
I’d rather get a C5 with my own sweat and blood,
than an A1 with ‘guided help’.

The night before the exam, i actually went to my tuition center,
to see my teacher, Mr. Shakib.
I knew that i would’nt be learning anything that night
as nothing would go in anymore..

Just that, i wanted to hear him say what i’ve known all along,
"its not the destination that matters, its the journey"

This Add Maths, is more than just a stupid paper to me.
It was a question of pride and dignity as well.
I couldnt let it forever defeat me, and let alone haunt me,
as it did before.

To go so far, and not finishing it with a blast…
Thats just not my style i guess.
Now, wouldnt it be cool to have my add maths result over the years in a table..?
G9, G9, G9, G9, G9 ……… A1

And so, the battle against the add math paper is on.

Paper 1.
I couldnt believe my eyes.
I thought they were filled with trick questions.
No way, it couldnt be This simple, could it?!
As a matter of fact, it was too simple.

During the 4 hour break, i actually went back home.
Got a nice nap, ate, and showered.

Went back to school, and became the student paling poyo in the LRT.
Finishing off add math questions from the
"Cerdik Publications, Past Year Papers" book.
It was my first time using that actual book, as in, for my Own self.
It is already filled with answers from various different people that i taught.

Damn! People staring at me
as I was filling up Paper 2 questions like there was no tomorrow!

And there she was, Paper 2, in the hall.
After the 2 and a half hours,
i found out that the paper was actually easy.
Its just that, 1 or 2 questions are like, damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn hard!

I can actually see the difference, 2 months ago, and now.
From scoring only 20 marks, to losing only 20 marks.
A miracle, i presume.

And i feel like an accomplished man.
No other paper in SPM meant more to me than this one.

Then, i remember it again, though not in the voice that i speak to others,
but the one where my teacher repeated it to me.
"its not the destination that matters, its the journey"

Sometimes, yeah… Though it may sound cheesy and all,
Hard work and preserverance pays off after all!

The day before, my balls were shaking.
I was dead scared of my agama paper for spm.

Out of all the papers, the only one that i have the highest
probability to flunk is Agama, or should i say Pendidikan Islam.

Its not that im not religious,
Its not that i dont know anything about it..

Its just, the education system has ‘malaysian-ized’ the whole religion.
Where everything is all about memorizing facts,
and regurgitating it all out on paper.
Sad to say, but it has taken the interest out of the whole subject.

Though i fail (or pass by 2 marks) the paper often,
I would proudly claim that i have more in depth knowledge
of my own religion And also other ones,
than the many others over here in Malaysia.

I just can’t help but to be appalled by the people who just study,
for the sake of exams, especially when it comes to
religion and history.
Yeah, sure, you score brilliantly, but you dont understand and fully appreciate the concepts it has to offer.

As i recall back my ‘religious studies’ class back in Mayfield (UK),
i learnt about all of the religions actually.
And in these classes, its not about memorizing who’s the
‘tokoh cendekiawan’ or ‘tokoh ilmuan’ or whatever…

Its about whats being taught in the religions.
Whats it all about..?
How did it came about?
What makes it so good that up to millions of people follow it?
How did it last for centuries in this ever-changing world?
~~~~

I absolutely hate the narrow-minded Malays who think that its
wrong to learn / know more about other religions.
Who think that its a sin to ‘look away from Islam’.

No offense, but i have to specifically mention
the tudung girls, and the songkok boys.
A headscarf that covers your head means nothing,
When you dont know shit about whats important,
and what you’re supposed to do and learn.

I wish to not stereotype.
But some things just gets on your nerves, at times.
You learn about others, so that you can apply the concepts as well.
It is for the better understanding of the world around.
At the end of the day, you’re gonna end up working with different people from different backgrounds.

Its that Malay saying, "katak bawah tempurung".
We all know it, we all use it in our essays, but, yeah..
Wake up and smell the coffee!

~~~~

Okay, whatever lah.
The funny thing is, though im petrified of the paper,
I only studied 30mins before the actual exams.
And i used up the night before to study for chemistry and physics.
Lets see what i’ll get when the results come in around March.

Its that concept lah,
Kill one paper, and save the other two important ones.

Im in the middle of SPM, and i am STILL blogging!! Damn!
What am i thinking?!

Well, i’ve gone through the first half of SPM, the first week, that is.
And, the best part is, they keep all the easy papers in the first week, and cram in all the hard ones in the next one.

An overview of the papers that i went through so far.
2007 has some of the paling bangang papers and questions, but at the same time, have some of the easiest questions ever asked.

I Now strongly disagree with ‘spotted‘ questions or should i say, ’soalan bocor // ramalan’.
None of them came out! Argh, screw you all!!
But i have to hand it to Kasturi, Daiva’s notes were something alright!

Anywho, im currently preparing myself to brace the impending onslaught of agama-add maths-physics-chemistry  next week.
And im doing whatever it takes to eliminate or reduce any forms of stress, pressure and distress.
Now, on to the off-SPM topic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All this time, i have been the ‘motivator’ in any group of people.
Concepts and sayings based on the ‘nothing’s impossible’ issue keeps on being repeated.
I have brought back hope and reasons to cling on to many.

But now, I need some motivation and a reason to keep believing.
I can’t keep on telling myself the things that I say to other people.
It just doesnt work.

Im more of a ‘the bigger picture’ guy.
And what I need most right now, is
not another insight of ‘the bigger picture’.
Because recently, its the minute details that are bothering my mind.
Its like, arsenic. A poison taken in very very small doses, that accumulates in the body, and kills you slowly from the inside.

If its every other problem, I would always have Adam and my other friends to back me up or voice out their opinions.
I have somehow grown a sense of dependency to my friends.
I know that i can do anything on my own, but it is always better with them.

In fact, i have a part of that in my character.
I must always associate myself with another person, or others.
Because I’d rot away if i’m alone.

This is one of the main reasons why i took drums as my main musical instrument i guess.
Its funny how the choice of musical instruments can also reflect on your character.

The drums. Sure, it sounds good when you play alone, but its waay better when played along with other instruments as well.
Without the beat, the others would stray off in tempo and generally the harmony in the music.
Beat slows down, music slows down, and vice versa.
Percussions and the general harmonics add vibrance and life to the music.
The beats are somewhat universal and can adapt to any genre.

To play the instrument itself, requires concentration and coordination.
To utilize all of your four limbs, to move at different paces and strength.
To synchronize every movements and actions to produce balance and harmony.
Just about anyone can be the guitarist;
but not everyone can be the drummer.

Similar, no?

And now, with the dilemma disturbing my mind now,
I have to face this one alone, as nobody else can help me i guess.
And when this happens, you could see my own self deteriorating by the day.
With the endless questions in my mind and none of them were answered.

Im a ‘traveller, and now im about to
venture into a new place.
With hopes that i could find happiness and peace here.
But i am doing something different this time, im walking straight into the front door.

I have broken almost all of the rules,
and im risking failure by the minute.
I dont know what got into me, to do such things,
The very things i have told myself and others not to do.

I guess, as time passes, I am getting rid of my old habits.
Which feels so liberating actually.
To be straightforward, honest, and just, let your heart out.
Saying whatever you feel inside.

And to be honest, now i dont even know,
whether im welcomed or not.

Whether it was just an illusion.
Whether it was just my mind playing tricks on me.
Whether it was just me, thinking too much.

~~
I know that my mind is distressed or thinking too much,
When i keep on biting my fingers and my drinking straws.
When i keep on daydreaming, thinking and
pondering over in the train,
to the point that i’d miss my stop..

When i keep on listening to the same song over and over again.
Damnit, even the song i keep on listening to is a question itself..!
Its funny how some songs, have lyrics that expresses out exactly what you feel.
~~

Its that helpless-ness feeling again.
When one of the most important things happening
in your life suddenly,went past you.
and you cant do anything about it,
but to watch and hope a miracle happens.

By telling myself that its possible,
By giving myself false hope and thoughts to cling on to,
To stay on the path, the right path i hope.
Will my preserverance and willpower be enough to get me through?

Sometimes we just think too much.
Well, thats a different story for some of you

I’ve just went through the first day of SPM.
The dreaded, long-awaited, life-changing, heartbeat-skipping, mind-boggling, adrenaline-pumping, eye-popping, sleep-disturbing, paranoia-induced exam.

At the end of the day, its just the same bloody paper that you’ve been doing for the past 2 years of your life.

But its the same 10 papers that broke the strongest will of people.
The same 10 papers that shook the lives of many.
The same 10 papers that actually changed people’s lives.

So is it really worth it to give our full acknowledgement, fear, respect and thought to these papers?
After all, its nothing compared to what you’ve gone through..

~~~~~~~~~

I’ve seen many people that have the capability of scoring well in the papers, but failed to do so, because of their fear.
The traumatic past that has been haunting them till this very minute.
Imagine, getting Fs, no wait.. Gs, for every single test for the past 2 years, and you keep on working hard on it.

One of the papers were Add Maths.
Sure, i have been haunted by Add Maths for the past two years.
I have failed each and every Add Maths paper i took since the day that it entered my life.

But the irony is, im teaching Add Maths now to people.
Its funny, how you failed for 2 years straight, and suddenly at the end point, you end up teaching add maths.

And what i realized is, the people that i taught are actually capable. They are damn smart, just that they dont realize it.
They can easily score an A, but they failed to see it.
The fear conquered them, they thought
"oh, ive been failing and failing, the next time will also be the same lah.."

Its funny how our mind can somehow make us lose, before the battle actually starts.
I have to thank God, and also to the people around me that moulded me to become who i am today. Im able to resist that ‘i cannot’ thing.
And somehow i feel that its a calling for me to spread that around.

Its like that saying , which Adidas patented. "Impossible Is Nothing".
Its true, if others cant do it, what makes you think you cant?

~~~~~~~~~~~

The human mind. Amazing thing indeed.
It can make you go terribly sick, even without an illness;
and it can also cure the worst of your sorrows and conditions.

Last sunday, i read an interesting article on Optimism.

"Optimists are not people who puts on a smile all the time, they are realists who get things done."

Now thats something.

Optimism is not a panacea. It doesnt cure you. It doesnt save you from anything instantly.
But it gives you strength and endurance to last for an extra few hours, days or weeks, maybe even months.

And its these short periods of time that somehow makes the biggest difference.

So, at the end of the day, its just a bit of positive thinking and a clear goal, you can actually survive the worst of things that could happen to you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Back to the ‘thinking too much’ issue.
If its one thing i learnt from the book, Blink by Malcolm Gladwell,
is to trust your first instincts and never think too much about anything.

Once you think too much, the clear goal, becomes, not so clear anymore.
What could have been so simple, becomes complicated.
What wasnt there originally, was now there.

This is because when you think, all the random possibilities start to key in.
The probability of so-and-so happening, the probablity of this, the probability of that.
Our mind somehow works in terms of numbers and probabilities, i guess.. and it often takes time to ‘calculate’ these numbers, and with too much numbers, you’d end up jumbling all of them about, and picking whichever comes first in your mind (which is usually the worst out of them all).

I dont know, call it
being pessimistic,
being thoughtful,
being careful,
whatever it is.

But then again, sometimes feelings get in the way of your thinking as well.
And somehow the numbers start to change and the answers would always point to the one your feelings want. Regardless of whether its completely off the mark, or spot on.

Recently my best friend already ‘kena’ by this phenomenon.
And it turned out that he was completely off the mark.
All this time, the thoughts, the ‘possibilities’, the drama, the glances and smiles, meant nothing actually.
It was just pure coincidence and it meant nothing more than a friendly gesture from the significant other person.

And now, i too am feeling the same thing.
Im thinking too much, ‘could it be this….?’ ‘could it be that…?’
Oh, the unanswered questions.
I just hope that this wont be a repeat of what happened above.

Reality.
It is somewhat synonymous with harsh, cruel, vicious, savage, inhuman.
But then again, it is what makes us human.

"For one to rise, another must fall"

Something i learnt over the years..
The inevitable system that plagues each and every one of us.
And, over the years, i have been causing the demise of many.
Well, not exactly their deaths, but ‘deaths’ of their character.
If you ever watched Heroes, what i did the past year or two, was exactly like Sylar’s actions.
Though i dont really ’steal powers/abilities’; but, my contact with several special people somehow drained off their character, their spark of life. In other words, i ‘killed’ the person.

A quest to attain wisdom, intelligence.
A voyage for new experiences, adulthood, maturity.

Sure, i’ve gotten immeasurable amounts of them.
But is it a plausible excuse? An acceptable explanation?

For my own selfish gains, for the ‘betterment’ of me.
But is it of any good?
When another character perishes while mine prevails..?

Am I a monster? A plague? A predator?
What have I become?
No single moment can ever pass me again without the guilt of the past haunting me.

I have destroyed what i originally intended to develop in people.
Instead of sparking inspiration, i have decimated their capacity of being a complex character.
It is as if I was transforming dense, lush greenery into a barren desert.
Sucking the life out of everything.

My thoughts. My speeches. My actions.
Forever changing lives i encounter.
For the better or worse.

And now, i am doing all i can to make amends,
For all the things that i’ve done.
One small step at a time.

**********
I have realized the fact that i have exactly less than 20 days left before the much-awaited and dearly beloved exam, SPM.
But when matters of heart comes into play, you just cant ignore it, can you. . .

***********

"Love me when i least deserve it, because that’s when i really need it"

Why havent i been posting in my blog for the past few months?
SPM. Go figure.
I dont have the luxury of 4 hours to sit down and go into a trance, typing my thoughts and emotions out in this tiny space.

Dont mind the title, its a little something i felt like writing, since i just finished watching the final episode of "Who Wants To Be A Superhero" ; where the winner gets to be immortalized in a comic book by Stan Lee.

In Christianity, it is believed that everybody has been created for a specific purpose, their own reason to live, existing in God’s "big plan" of the universe.
Henceforth, everybody will have their own special abilities, gifts, or talents thrusted within them.
If you look at it from a ‘comic book’ point of view, its a matter of you, using your ‘powers’ for good or evil.

And what is my so-called special ability, you might ask.. Super strength? Lightning speed? X-ray vision ? (i wouldnt mind having that.. haha!)
No..
Im more of a person that can change people’s lives with my presence. Its something that everybody always take for granted, actually.

My presence, thought, speech and actions, can indirectly, or directly change people’s opinions and passions about certain things and issues.
Somehow, i can make, break, relate, dissipate, complicate, simplify, strengthen, weaken, nullify, and also force friendships, partnerships, relationships and everything there is involving people and their social groups.

I have to be honest, I dont really know how to control this ‘ability’. This has led into many heartbreaks, hatred feelings, grudges, attempts of near-suicides, emotional and mental breakdowns, financial instability, loss of dignity, and basically all-round destruction in people’s lives.

Imagine Clark Kent, who just discovered he got his powers and all.
It took a while for him to adjust and control his new-found abilities.
Mistakes made. Destruction occurs. Lives forever changed.

And believe me, every single life that has been affected by me, takes a huge toll on my conscience.

Doctors.
They have that amazing ability to save people’s lives.
The miraculous efforts to stop them from dying, cure them from illnesses. To them, people’s lives are at stake, and the operating theater is their battlefield.
Their failure is equivalent to 1 life lost.

Im juggling with people’s lives too , though not in terms of their health.
Its more concentrated on their emotional, mental and social well being.
If I screw up, i would leave them emotionally scarred permanently and destroy ties to any group of friends or whatsoever that exists revolving around the person.

But then again, i have received the perks of the job.
Though i have ruined lives, i have made lives better as well.

Recently, me and my pal are on the quest to improve some of our friends’ standard of living.
Climbing up the ladder in the social world.
Though i am not exactly a socialite, at least im giving them an opportunity to experience life in a totally different angle, where there are more than 1 group or type of people to mix around with.
Its amazing how some people, have all the things in the world. They have all the talents, all the jokes and all the skills that everyone else would kill to have.
But, its sad that the whole world somehow looked past them.
**This quest, however, is not finished yet, and maybe one day you can see me posting about the results. But till then, just wait for it.

I am a traveller. I go into different worlds.
Like i said before,
"Its a small KL, but we all live in different worlds"
Correct me if im wrong, but thats a fact.
And in these different worlds, its a different ball game every time.

Different people, different way of living, different ‘eco-system’ , different way of ruling, literally.
I can see dictatorships, democracy, and despotism in action.
Honestly speaking, to travel in so many different places, in different worlds and parallel universes…
I am truly thankful to be able to do so.

To see the magic of life. The many different people. The many different things you learn. The principles. The drama. The action. The life lessons you pick up along the way.

Though i love to ‘travel’ in between these ‘different worlds’ … It is inevitable for me to leave my mark in each and every one of them. Be it a good one, or a bad one.
From total annihilation and destruction of a social group, to the total unification of a number of people as one.
I guess a twist of fate, and generally a bit of luck plays a big factor in all of these, really. . .

At the end of the day, when i look back…
Some of the things that i have done.. Wow…
To think, i did all that…
To do some of the things unimaginable to some,
unthinkable to the rest.
To see things that happen only in your wildest imaginations.
To experience moments that you only see in the movies.

I am a long term person, my actions now, may not bear the results immediately, but you would see it in the many days to come.
There are some occasions where i ’sacrificed’ myself, for the good, benefit or growth of the person or group.
Yeah, isolating myself from them by my irreversible actions, resulting in dire consequences..
I may never get to interact or get in touch with some of these people i know, ever again.
I know i have done certain things that i am not proud of.
Supposedly doing the wrong things, but for the right reasons….

But then again, i keep on telling myself,
"they’ll thank me later for this".
And hope that one day, i may get the chance of obtaining forgiveness and regaining trust of certain parties.

Recently, while i’ve been thinking and pondering over the past, I have suddenly developed a certain liking for this song:
"My Way" by Frank Sinatra.

"… Regrets, I’ve had a few,
But then again, too few to mention;
      I did, what i had to do,
And saw it through, without exemption…."

We are all created with a purpose. And im very sure we all have a common goal, of making the world a better place.
How do we do that? Well, you dont need any super powers to do it.
It all starts from a random act of kindness, and serving your purpose.
When you receive your ‘calling’, do what is needed to be done.

No matter how small your deed is. No matter how insignificant it may seem. But when it makes a change in the world, it matters.

So, what is Your special ability?